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Rightly or wrongly, women are often stereotyped as being overly sensitive, emotional, and talkative. Whether it be due to our ability to bear children, or the fact that many of us suffer monthly from PMS, or more simply because we are just more feminine, there is definitely something about the female disposition that seems to spell out emotion.
Although many of us may feel strongly about certain life issues (as I'm sure men do as well), and while we may face many significant life decisions (i.e. to have children, a career, or both), it is a myth to believe that women are always in touch with our feelings — or that we have any more of them then men do. Perhaps one of the strongest feelings that every human has encountered during his or her lifetime (and some inevitably more often than others) is anger. Unlike the many stereotypes involving women, we do not always easily express much of anger. Many of us probably keep it very much inside, while others may deal with it through passive aggressiveness, or even by targeting vulnerable and innocent people (i.e. children, elderly, the unknown individual driving next to us).
Of course, not every women has a problem channeling or positively expressing her anger. In consideration of the fact that females have both historically and traditionally been manipulated to remain silent, however, it would not be surprising to hear that the majority do have anger issues. After all, it has really only been in the last few decades that women have gained the right to vote, the right to work in mainly male dominated careers, and the right to claim their own bodies and make their own personal decisions, etc. With many of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions repressed over the centuries, it understandably has been an adjustment to do otherwise. Moreover, unlike men many women do not enjoy expressing themselves or their emotions physically or aggressively through means of either exercise, sports (watched or played), or physical contact. One of the consequences that some women face as a result of their pent up feelings includes depression. Anxiety and poor self-esteem may also be a factor. It is, thus, primarily important when learning how to successfully manage angry feelings to know what you are mad at. This may appear fairly simple and self-explanatory, but first read on.
KNOWING WHAT ANGERS YOU
Many women walk around angry. Perhaps they blame their spouse for not helping keep the house clean, or maybe they blame their job for not paying enough, or even their children for not really listening well enough. The complaints may be a few or may even seem endless, either way by the end of the day this negativity is bound to lead to harsh feelings. The end of the day may also bring a blend or mixture of upset and angry emotions that are really far from defined. It is important, therefore, in learning how to be more in touch with the reality of our emotions to truly understand where they are coming from. Someone may indeed be upset about their husband not cleaning up around the house and that is a valid point. Write it down — later on it can be talked about in a family meeting— but begin by recognizing it and validating it by putting it on paper. Do this each and every time something bothers you or angers you and before attempting to solve the problem. In order to understand our anger, we need to first know where it is coming from.
ADMITTING ANGER — FEELING IT
Perhaps one of the drawbacks of having an orderly and acceptable social environment, is the fact that the physical or verbal expression of any strong or hostile emotion is fairly restricted. Obviously, society would be (and at times has been) quite chaotic if everyone was forcefully lashing out and voicing every angry feeling imaginable. Sometimes, however (and particularly as women), we lose sight of the cathartic effect of yelling, screaming, hitting, or pulling when we are mad or upset. As this is in no way acceptable to do to other people (or maybe even in front of other people or children), it may be advisable to let loose in the safety and comfort of our own bedroom. Punching pillows, crying, or even tearing pages out of old phone books or magazines may help some overcome that initial feeling of very strong and powerful anger. Depending on the intensity of the emotion, this may not always be necessary and some may prefer to simply write in a journal, draw, paint, or meditate. Either way, just be sure to allow yourself to feel without theattachment of reason. Regardless or whether or not they make sense our feelings are an essential part of who we are — no longer allow them to be repressed.
UNDERSTANDING THE DEEPER MEANING
Once you have allowed yourself to feel your anger through and you are aware of where or who it has been directed at (i.e. your unhelpful husband, not listening children, etc.), it is time to look deeper. Although you may have assessed that your husband is annoyingly untidy, it is worth looking at why this bothers you so much. Maybe it is simply that you dislike living in an unclean home, but perhaps your anger is also related to the fact that the man you married does not take your requests very seriously or to heart. If this is true, this may feel pretty hurtful. Along the same lines, not receiving a well-deserved promotion at work may indeed be unfair, but maybe it also brings up a lot of self-esteem issues for you. Almost always there is a deeper feeling behindthe anger, and it tends to be hurt. Dealing with the hurt is often the hardest part as it often feels like a personal attack on who we are as individuals. Sometimes professional counseling may be required.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Dealing with any hurt feelings you may have is a very important step that may lead to a variety of deep-seeded issues. On the other hand, some of our anger may be related to the fact that we are actually setting ourselves up for disappointment. This does not mean that one should become negative and never expect anything good or worthy, less they become disappointed. On the contrary, it actually means to plan ahead and set boundaries. If you know that you are going to want to leave a party early and that your friend will probably want to stay late, rather than mope half the evening while wishing you were in the comfort of your own home, ensure you make your own arrangements to get there. If you become angry by the end of the week because you have over-scheduled time for others and not yourself, that is your responsibility to rearrange. As women, we often have the ‘disease to please,' and the desire to care-take other people and make them happy — that is what we have mostly been doing these past centuries. Just remember, you are no help to anybody if you are only half of yourself due to fatigue, anger, or over- commitment. Not becoming angry at others is partly learned by not allowing others to overstep your boundaries. In the same instance, choosing friends and companions who are of a similar mind-set and moral background may help resolve some anger issues in two ways: one, by not having friends that really upset or disappoint you, and secondly by having individuals for whom you feel comfortable talking to about your problems — not to mention laughing with.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS
Aside from actually setting boundaries, also knowing what triggers your angry emotions is a significant way to avoid discord. It can also get you to the root of a problem. If you do not know what sets you off, start by listing each and every time you get upset and why. If you know a situation is going to be heated, you can prepare yourself in advance through relaxation or breathing techniques, as well as by planning what you are going to say and how to properly react.
ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Some of us may become upset because we did not receive what we wanted, whether it be a certain present, a raise at work, money owing form a friend, or even a new relationship. As women, we may even take the absence of our desire as an indication or reflection of our own value or self-worth. Nevertheless, it is difficult for others to know what exactly will make us happy if we do not tell them. While your boss may think you are one of his best employees, he or she may be too wrapped up in his or her own position to recall that you are due for a promotion. Present him with what you have done and ask if a raise can come in the near future, or even today. Your boyfriend may know that you like gold jewellery, but may be too overwhelmed to pick something out. Show him what you like. Most people are generally too involved with their own life situations to always be alert and in tune with your own needs. Be direct and straightforward in terms of what you want if you do not want others to continually disappoint you. On the flip side, knowing who you are and what you want is primarily important. If you feel you have lost touch with the real you, begin with simple exercises, such as writing down your favorites (color, number, fruit, vegetable, desert, item of clothing), clipping out trinkets, clothing, or furniture from magazines that you adore, and listing characteristics you would like to find in the perfect friend or mate. Get to know yourself, you have to live with you the rest of your life!
VALUE YOURSELF & FORGIVE OTHERS
It is a busy world, and others may not always be at their best when they come into contact with you (and vice versa). Thus, for those situations that are not all that life-threatening or life- altering, both patience and forgiveness will be required. We are all human, so try not to place people on a pedestal, or yourself for that matter. Mistakes are natural. This is why it is especially important to do something extra nice for yourself once a week, particularly when you are angry. Whether it be a bubble bath, a glass of wine, going for a walk, or buying a new journal, you deserve it. It will help you lighten up. Also doing at least one deed of gratitude or generosity is not only helpful to others, but also is uplifting and calming for your spirit.
SOME GENERAL TECHNIQUES FOR DEALING WITH ANGER
Even if you follow all of the above steps, anger is still going to sometimes creep into your life. It is a common human emotion that is normal and often really just in need of some management.
Keeping active is one of the best ways to keep it under control. Here are some activities to try and include in your everyday lifestyle:
- exercise
- walking
- talking to friends
- laughing
- meditating
- yoga
- journaling
If you feel that your anger is dangerously disruptive or upsetting to you or others, please seek professional guidance.
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